Since my surgery in October I've been living in a world focused on what I DON'T want. It wasn't intentional. It's not my natural outlook on life, but it happened...in crisis, with immense challenge and a sudden reality of a misfortune completely out of my hands.
My mind has been highjacked and this is how it sounds:
I don't want cancer. I don't want surgery. I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to be down and out. I don't want radiation. I don't want chemotherapy. I don't want to be sick. I don't want a tube in my nose. I don't want to do breathing exercises. I don't want to be in the hospital. I don't want to get up and walk. I don't want anymore drugs inside of me. I don't want to get poked with another needle. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want to be stuck in bed. I don't want to eat. I don't want to go out. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to sleep with a dog. I don't want to live out of plastic bins. I don't want to party. I don't want to drink. I don't want to smile. I don't want to do additional radiation therapy. I don't want to be surrounded by people. I don't want to work in restaurants. I don't want to share my space with 3 boys and their 3 dogs. I don't want to sit in traffic. I don't want to go to sleep with the TV on. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!!!!!
I don't want. I don't want. I don't want.
Cancer's journey has spun my positive attitude into an ugly web of agitation, anger, complaints, and bitterness. Through those 6 months of recovery and the initial 3 between hearing my diagnoses and waiting for a surgery date, I've felt like I'm on someone else's ride - a ride I didn't choose, a ride I wanted to get off.
Slowly my mind and body are remembering who I am without cancer, without pain, without fear, without worry, without angst. And with this turn, I've been able to start a list of things I know I WANT in my life.
It sounds like this:
I want to move. I want to sweat. I want to lay on the beach. I want to ride a bike. I want to go spinning. I want to do yoga. I want to read more. I want to write often. I want to decorate my new home. I want to talk to my friends. I want to go to Agape. I want to have Girl Night. I want to travel. I want adventure. I want to change jobs. I want to work in an environment that fits me - spiritually, culturally, energetically. I want to be creative. I want to return to retail. I want to really start my Life Coach business. I want to make money doing what I love. I want to have clients. I want to be in conversation about goals. I want a relationship full of love and respect. I want independence. I want to bake muffins. I want to make smoothies. I want a cat. I want to seek inspiration. I want to fill my life with what makes me smile. I want to visit my family. I want to treat myself to regular massages. I want to have Date Night twice a week. I want to go hiking. I want to laugh. I want to breathe easy. I want to set goals. I want to achieve my goals. I want to feel at ease. I want peace in my heart. I want to exude positivity again.
I want to return to that life of LOVE filled with appreciation and gratitude and happiness and calm. I'm done with FEAR and all its apprehension and dislikes.