I’m in the midst of this beautiful experience. It’s a powerful phase of my own personal journey that’s allowing complete clarity in my mind and in my heart. I’m really beginning to see me again. There’s been so much junking up my view from cancer to the poisons of chemo to a major loss of self to challenges in a twosome. Everything added up and created a nasty black curtain hung on the window to me (and a million other pieces of my life).
But something’s happening, and that curtain is being raised. Things are coming in to clear view and it’s feeling really refreshing. My answer to “How are you?” is now a boastful and authentic “So good!” because that’s what a clear sense of self, acknowledging my truths, standing strong in my wants, and knowing where I’m headed and that I am headed that way because of choice feels like!
What I can recognize now is how negatively this fogged up phase affected me and the chaos it created in my soul and mind. The breakdowns would occur most often when I’d state what I believed to be my truth or share a feeling in vulnerability and at the first ounce of push back or with a questioning response, I’d lose that clarity. I’d waver. I’d crumble. That something whether it was a feeling, knowing, or opinion that just moments before had felt so right and authentic to me, would be lost. My head would spin. My heart would ache. I had lost myself again.
This losing of the Self was my black curtain. It resulted in many moments I would not have chosen for myself had I been clear and fueled by strength and confidence. I’m experiencing the difference in choosing with clarity now vs choosing in chaos. Decisions have become peaceful, uplifting, and full of promise no matter the coexisting pains in my heart.
It is with this clear view that I am able to express what is of importance to me. I share without fear of disagreements or potential rebellion to support, for I finally see these things are true to me.